To My Mr X

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They say Girls care too early and boys care too late I think that’s true at least in my shallow experience it was true.

Can I call you ?

Is something wrong ? I miss you

I love you

It’s all too late Because you never called when I needed you I was always the one who call you I was the only one working on our relationship When I really missed you when I was lost when I was hurt you wasn’t there And you are just selfish and god I hate selfish guys My father was selfish and you were so sweet and warm even though you tried to hide it and acted all fake Yet you wasn’t there you left And when you were there it was already too late because I was already broken And I fixed myself I was there for myself and I learned the hard way that I need to love me and i need nobody’s love until I treasured my self like I should’ve .

Who am I ??

I feel lost i don’t know how to present myself to people and worst to myself i am a stranger to myself i don’t know anymore who i am and this person, this confused person i don’t like it, oh yes i just said an it :

I don’t feel happy doing the things i love and the things i always wanted to do but for some reason my heart skipped a beat twice since the begin of the summer once when my best friend talked about her Dreams

the second when I watched a classical musical show the other night

who are you really me ?

tell me now

who you wanna be if you were an author how would you write your story ?

what are the principles you wanna live by state them and live for them

what are your hopes your dreams and goals

and please be happy find a way to be happy you are young

so who are you ?

still don’t know …

but I will think about it

am ugly on the inside I became i don’t know how but that  need a fixing

Hate less Care less

if I’m going to always keep trying to satisfy others always on my mind lately what if they don’t like it what if ..

that’s not me i wasn’t like that and i should not be

so Rule One : Don’t Care For What people Think do what you think is right what you like and at the same time act smart about it

so now let’s update it shall we

rule two LOVE YOURSELF FOR FUCK SAKE

ye now go and do exactly that

(To Be Edited well added more if something comes in mind for now I will focus on rule One)

Human

I want to cry, being an adult didn’t even left me the time to cry or the well or the….
I want to cry so bad in someone’s arm like i did years ago in the arm of my best friend on her dark bathroom floor i cried
I always hid my tears i always cried silently under my cover at night in the locked bathroom
I wanna cry so bad and let all the pain flush through my tears but it seems like i can’t
I find movies good one sometimes a good chance to do it even a little even to get my eyes watery
I want to make movies

movies makes me human…

I just finished my first year in law school …

How was this year ? I was dead in this year, i don’t know if is it the change, being away from home for the first time, i don’t know what happened that i was like that i almost failed the school year and i did really bad so i barely passed it and am not proud, i saved the year but now that the year ended am healing from the deep depression i got this year and things are stating to get clear

Maybe that conversation with my best friend on the rooftop when she talked passionately about what she is doing what she wanna do was what woke me up, after all she had a couple of bad years for her but she seem to do more than fine now, that glow and passion in her that I didn’t see in too long and i miss it, she seem like herself again

But for me I was dead i wasted the year hiding i don’t know from what but i didn’t enjoy this year like I was planning to, to experience new stuff , well at least i went to the cinema for the first time and when i did my heart skipped a beat it was like being born i love movies so much i wanna make movies i wanna write novels but i just can’t, every time i start writing something stops me i don’t know why …

This year will be different I promise i will live it to its fullest i will rank top in my school and i will plan studying abroad for my master degree, i will do better i will be more active i will eat healthy, enjoy sports, discover my beautiful country that i never got the chance to or gave myself that chance i will make friends know more people i will follow my passion and do more so i won’t regret it some day and i will also try to write more i started writing here to fix myself to save myself …

WHY ME ?

One day that little light like a star dot will die on me and just then i will be completely empty, i will be ready for not being ready to be ready, it make no sense but words seem not to be enough to really tell my truth, the way i feel or will feel that exact moment when death will be the only option though i’m not ready for it but i really want it and need it, i crave it already, but it’s that moment that i fear
numb is the only word precise of them all that can talk through me, that’s how i feel, exactly how i feel, i always questioned this word and didn’t understand it till i finally learned it and i hope i didn’t
that light i talked about it was exactly that me that didn’t understand that word but now that i do am on my way to the most fearful moment
I’m scared, angry, but not really scared of anything but that moment, not death but the moment my fire dies, but I’m angry i’m always angry i experience anger every day and it’s my proudful last piece of me as humans, humans are ugly, humans are the monsters so i escaped being one and now i miss it i miss being ugly because an ugly paint is better than a blank paper am that blank paper but a couple of years passed on me and now am yellowish, vitager one, so i know i’m not as virgin as a fresh paper am a cheap paint with cheap colors that were washed off by a clumsy drops of rain because i was forgotten or rather abandoned.

By whom? By myself? Or is it someone else ?
am I the criminal? am i that person i saw with the knife in my nightmare murdering me in that fearful moment is it me did i do it ?
should I seek justice or just take that road down to the door, the only door i never wanna open the door where am nothing and that nobody that i promised the little me i will never be
what should I tell that innocent child, sorry i could’ve done it but i was scared of the nothingness yes scared isn’t it me who told that child ” we went through so much fear, there is nothing left to scare us “

YET Again Happy birthday ME <3

Here we go again it’s this day again my birthday
It’s funny how this day always go wrong
not that am so excited about living anymore
I got pass that stage but..
It still hurt .
words hurt you know more than anything
words matter you can always fix your mistakes but not unsay what you already said or unhurt whom you already hurt
but what hurt even more is HATE yes hate hurts a lot, the one who hates is always in pain especially if the one he hates is someone who brought him to this world
no you don’t own me
no I won’t allow it any more
and no I won’t forgive you because you will never change
And YES I AM WORTH IT AND I WILL PROVE IT

” wear it like an armor and it won’t hurt you anymore “

NOT JUST A BOTTLE…

Daily Prompt:  BOTTLE

Okay i do wanna try this type of let’s say challenges every once in while so when i saw the word bottle i remembered this little story that my teacher once told me, it’s not really a story but some type of life lesson :

There was a teacher that was explaining a lesson to his student but each time they said that they didn’t understand and no matter mow much explained that just didn’t till one of his student raised his hand and said : ” this subject is just hard we won’t be able to understand no matter how hard we try ”

So the teacher stopped the lesson and said ” how about a game than ”

The student lightened up and welcomed the idea dearly

He drew a Bottle on the board and inside it he drew a chicken and he asked his students ” how can we set the chicken free without killing the chicken or breaking the bottle ”

The student than started answering and each time they were wrong than one of them shouted ” we can’t answer this why doesn’t the one who put it there just get it out ”

“That’s the right answer” answered the teacher ” you will never understand this subject if you don’t get the idea that you can’t from your minds ”

  THE END

Lawless

I don’t believe in LAW, yes you heard me right I just don’t, i am not sure if it’s because i have this mind that simply don’t accept rules, yes even the ones i set for myself, anything that limit me it just makes me so angry be it, time, people, just anything, but mostly because laws are not effective and because they are applied on certain people and others not, because it always takes the side of the one with money and power, i know laws are neutral and are not to blame but people are, thou sometimes even the production itself of those rules is just made wrongly and unfairly…

Now here’s when you start to think am really crazy, the moment you know am going to study law next year. We can’t fix laws, we can’t fix law people, we can’t build a fair world, but we can always try, by studying it I can be one more person to actually use laws properly for their true purpose , and because learning laws will give me the ability to protect myself from my rebellious nature so I can get myself out of problems when needed and for many other reasons actually :

Because I want to help people who are wronged since i truly believe that being wronged is the worst thing ever that can happen to you something that you can never heal from no matter how much u tried to lie to yourself

Because I wanna hear people’s stories and learn more about human nature and meet interesting people

Because it’s fun and never boring no matter what you say

Because if I become a lawyer i can have my own personal working schedule ( work at night and sleep at day )

Because I like being surrounded by all those papers ( let’s say it’s a paper love thingie ‘–‘ hem nevermind )

Because I can make a lot of money, i have this thing in my mind that “i must own enough money so i can own it and not let it own me”

…

( yeah I know lawless is a movie name )

Summer goals/ To Do List

1. write at least two short stories and start writing a long one  ♥♥
2. Start Learning japanese 
3. Lose 5 to 8 kg 
4. Eat healthier
5. G o out more 
6. Get some guitar lessons 
7. Read  …
8. blog daily no matter what 
9. Get my driver licence 
10. BE CRAZY~~~~~~

it’s important to do this kind of silly thing let’s say to make things interesting plus when i come back here again and I’ve done those stuff it will be so satisfying

FOR A FUN SUMMER 

Scarlet Heart

we always try to understand others, but do we really understand ourselves, we can’t even understand ourselves, others can’t do it either , but we have that desire.
what’s funny that some will say things like “i know you well, i understand you ” just how do you understand me and i myself can’t figure out how much of  a fucked up person i am .
humans are so complicated we are the only question we can’t answer..
but we can always start not start with others but with ourselves try to learn about who we really are, learn about our natures, this year by year I mean this school year i came to learn a lot about myself how much rebellious i am even with myself am stubborn, my words may be wrong because others sometime can see through you, some one who told me i can’t and looked down on me someone who his job not to do told me ” you are someone who hold everything inside your anger your sadness ..” but what he never knew is telling me i can’t is what made me what i am today, i got others respect and admiration and i will keep proving in the future what kind of a person i can be
right under my table years ago i wrote ” i’m going to be something big, my dreams will definitely come true” but i’m afraid i keep telling myself than what, what do i do than
in one of my story one of my character had a dream to rebuild her nation that was disrespected and just like me now she thought to herself “my life only has a meaning because am on this fight to give glory to my nation” the guy she loved looked at her and said ” you can enjoy it” her dream did come to reality and more troubles came her way i don’t know should the ending be happy or not, ahh now i get it life go on does it
she made history, life go on even after her death but what she did won’t die, that’s how a human become immortal, and that’s exactly my dream since am already in this world i can as well no die like those who die and get forgotten yes those who die get forgotten no matter how dear they are to our heart they just fade slowly from our heart our minds we do remember them from time to time we come to forget their faces they fade from our memories and that’s what will happen to each and every one of us that’s what always terrified me every time i experienced something near death i cried ” god please, let me live i don’t wanna die a nobody not till i prove my worth” am not afraid of death as i think it’s an answer to all our doubts someone told me a dear friend “what if there is nothing when you die what if there is no truth” i didn’t answer than not because i didn’t have a answer because that nothing itself is a answer..
we are born alone and die alone right, don’t tell me anything but that, that’s the truth when i was on the edge of death this winter this idea crossed my mind my mom was crying my grandma was hugging me and also crying surrounded by everyone, but it was like they wasn’t there i was so lonely i was in pain, no one can feel it their sadness it was making me angry because they weren’t feeling what i feel they were there but i was getting colder i was dying i was dying alone … when i got better this little sly smiled crossed my face while remembering thier tears i thought to myself ah i love them that was sweet so sweet but loneliness is so bitter, when i tell people am an only child and they say almost each and every one of them ” i wish i was you, i wish i was alone”, so stupid loneliness is just so painful yes painful and i tasted all degrees of loneliness not because i don’t have siblings or because my parents in a way are busy but it just happened that way at first i was alone so i hanged out with many people made friend got hurt and got lonely, started getting accustomed to the feeling, grew to like it and even enjoy it that’s when i started living in my mind it was nice the best years of my life were those, met someone not really met but eh long story, made me less lonely, felt comfortable, it was good, things happened life hits me again that’s when no matter how much people are around me i felt lonely no lonelier when others are around things wavered from there sometimes it was sweet other times bitter that’s how life is but how am i know am in that degree of loneliness i crave it i crave someone around me who hate skinship crave someone hugging me, holding my hand someone’s presence someones’ warmth…
i got through my depression a bit now as it hits you for a period of time than you are good than it hits again but i don’t mind though the last one was the strongest hit i wanted to die but i got through it writing does help, watching movies does help, eating ice-cream does help, making up with myself does help, small things like this always helped me, i will definitely keep my promise to the little me don’t worry i will live up to your expectation i will be the fearless little thing you was only bigger stronger i can do it .