Scarlet Heart

we always try to understand others, but do we really understand ourselves, we can’t even understand ourselves, others can’t do it either , but we have that desire.
what’s funny that some will say things like “i know you well, i understand you ” just how do you understand me and i myself can’t figure out how much of  a fucked up person i am .
humans are so complicated we are the only question we can’t answer..
but we can always start not start with others but with ourselves try to learn about who we really are, learn about our natures, this year by year I mean this school year i came to learn a lot about myself how much rebellious i am even with myself am stubborn, my words may be wrong because others sometime can see through you, some one who told me i can’t and looked down on me someone who his job not to do told me ” you are someone who hold everything inside your anger your sadness ..” but what he never knew is telling me i can’t is what made me what i am today, i got others respect and admiration and i will keep proving in the future what kind of a person i can be
right under my table years ago i wrote ” i’m going to be something big, my dreams will definitely come true” but i’m afraid i keep telling myself than what, what do i do than
in one of my story one of my character had a dream to rebuild her nation that was disrespected and just like me now she thought to herself “my life only has a meaning because am on this fight to give glory to my nation” the guy she loved looked at her and said ” you can enjoy it” her dream did come to reality and more troubles came her way i don’t know should the ending be happy or not, ahh now i get it life go on does it
she made history, life go on even after her death but what she did won’t die, that’s how a human become immortal, and that’s exactly my dream since am already in this world i can as well no die like those who die and get forgotten yes those who die get forgotten no matter how dear they are to our heart they just fade slowly from our heart our minds we do remember them from time to time we come to forget their faces they fade from our memories and that’s what will happen to each and every one of us that’s what always terrified me every time i experienced something near death i cried ” god please, let me live i don’t wanna die a nobody not till i prove my worth” am not afraid of death as i think it’s an answer to all our doubts someone told me a dear friend “what if there is nothing when you die what if there is no truth” i didn’t answer than not because i didn’t have a answer because that nothing itself is a answer..
we are born alone and die alone right, don’t tell me anything but that, that’s the truth when i was on the edge of death this winter this idea crossed my mind my mom was crying my grandma was hugging me and also crying surrounded by everyone, but it was like they wasn’t there i was so lonely i was in pain, no one can feel it their sadness it was making me angry because they weren’t feeling what i feel they were there but i was getting colder i was dying i was dying alone … when i got better this little sly smiled crossed my face while remembering thier tears i thought to myself ah i love them that was sweet so sweet but loneliness is so bitter, when i tell people am an only child and they say almost each and every one of them ” i wish i was you, i wish i was alone”, so stupid loneliness is just so painful yes painful and i tasted all degrees of loneliness not because i don’t have siblings or because my parents in a way are busy but it just happened that way at first i was alone so i hanged out with many people made friend got hurt and got lonely, started getting accustomed to the feeling, grew to like it and even enjoy it that’s when i started living in my mind it was nice the best years of my life were those, met someone not really met but eh long story, made me less lonely, felt comfortable, it was good, things happened life hits me again that’s when no matter how much people are around me i felt lonely no lonelier when others are around things wavered from there sometimes it was sweet other times bitter that’s how life is but how am i know am in that degree of loneliness i crave it i crave someone around me who hate skinship crave someone hugging me, holding my hand someone’s presence someones’ warmth…
i got through my depression a bit now as it hits you for a period of time than you are good than it hits again but i don’t mind though the last one was the strongest hit i wanted to die but i got through it writing does help, watching movies does help, eating ice-cream does help, making up with myself does help, small things like this always helped me, i will definitely keep my promise to the little me don’t worry i will live up to your expectation i will be the fearless little thing you was only bigger stronger i can do it .

the Final Destination

hello,
am here again, I have told you before about my diary where i go like :
dear diary it have been a while since we talked and i just tell it about what’s bothering me and it listen and i feel better that’s how i survived my painful childhood, i think writing was my therapy..
the years is stopped writing in that diary i got messed up and got better again when i started writing here and here i am again the worst i can be i tried many things to get better to fix myself i walked at night in the cold because darkness the night and the cold wind always comforted me, i ate ice cream i surrendered to food to fix me it didn’t, i slept next to my mother like a kid and embraced her warmth it was definitely better but once morning came i was back to how i am, deeply depressed

writing, it’s my therapy so please listen to me help me, make me feel better, fix me am so empty am so lonely yet i wanna be alone i feel hopeless, i wanna be loved yet am pushing everyone away…
i can’t sleep am always thinking but thinking about absolutely nothing i feel so tired i wanna be free, i really really wanna breath am suffocating, please help..

be like that diary to me, take me and just fucking fix me i had enough..
i wanna travel the world aimlessly and see new things and find new things and make up with myself and understand things…
God, i wanna find god, is he really in each and every one of us if yes i wanna dive deep in me and believe in him and ask him to fix me ..
anyone please just fix me, i don’t wanna die and i don’t wanna live am just so empty..
I’m probably so random and make no sense, nothing really make sense to me anymore, i just want to be in a place where the sun is warm and light and the weather is breezy and nice and just write see my characters come to life those that have been trapped in me for so long.