Writing…

No one in my life knows about this blog, it’s my little world where am free to say whatever i want and be whoever i want, free be to the broken weak person, and writing is indeed amazing. for you out there who feel broken start writing it will rebuild you, writing make me feel alive like things are getting better, it’s enjoyable now i know why the little me liked writing so much i still have the kid me writing in that blue diary someone bought me and told me if the world is mean and if you have no friends make this diary your friend so i would write Dear diary my beloved friend… and tell her my darkest, and the most stupid thoughts i had and rereading it is so nostalgic make me love each inch of who i am…
like now, like this blog, i get the same feeling as before

Friendship…

 

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My first friend, let’s call her A because her name starts with A, we used to be friends in primary school, she was the first in class i remember she was the one who made me interested in studying back then we use to be so close we sit next to each other at class and we always either eat lunch at her house or mine and i remember her mother was so nice and her father too, i don’t think she liked me as much as i did anyway she moved away when i was like 8 or 9 because of money problems anyway 2 years ago we’ve met and she came to me and asked if remember her but as much as i thought about it i couldn’t and i remember i was kinda mean to her but i really didn’t mean it but if i ever met her i would want to back friend with her..

The second friendship i had, we was a group of 3 friends one of them i will name her D and the other I, D was the trouble maker type, and she was older than her age her way of thinking was of a high schooler in a bad way when we was only kids back then, she was kinda poor and i think she become a friend with “I” because she was rich,anyway i met I thought D and i liked her a lot more than D even thought i knew her since kindergarten, she was like an angle now that i think about it she is probably the nicest person i ever met  we hanged out only the two of us in secret from D who was mean anyway she also moved after only a year from our friendship and me and D after that wasn’t in the same class and i wanted to move into the same class with D but someone stopped me it was my first best friend, i remember that when i do my homework i would do a copier for her and she will do the same so if one of us forget to do it the other will help her i wanna call her F, our friendship was so strong back then i was the first of my class and she was one year older than me because she repeated the year, at that period because my parents are so strict i didn’t speak to boys only a little but she made me trust them and the rest of the girl in our class looked down on us because we hanged out a lot with boys, our friendship was troubled because teachers hated F and thought she was impolite they told mom to tell me to stop hanging out with her, but i refused and i continued being friend with her, she was the first to tell me we are best friends and we will stay like this forever, and she was also the first person to teach me to drop out of school anyway i was one of those who the teacher thought high of them, but my grades was dropping and she was in blame more by my parents but i even thought i was hit so many time to stop talking to her i didn’t, not for a single moment and back then i thought to myself she is the only one who understood me and i will do anything for her, we use to like the same things but dating she dated in that young of an age most of the boys in our class and from other classes she was beautiful too, very skinny and long, she looked like a model in that age, our friendship lasted for a year and the next year was our first year in middle school, in that period i stopped studying and stoped doing my homework i really don’t remember learning a thing and for some reason i noticed that she started to go out more with an other girl she was the first in our class and stoped calling me and sitting next to me in class, and because i was so angry of how much she changed i decided to transfer to the other class, the same as my boyfriend, not to forget to mention that she was the one to tell me to get a boyfriend, even thought i wasn’t convinced to have one, even thought he was by the way the only guy friend i had for 7 years …

We got into a fight because i was going to transfer i don’t remember the details but we didn’t stop talking and no i didn’t transfer but our friendship just faded away because i knew later she only was using me …

I have a dark history of horrible friends and now let me talk about the most important friend, she was my cousin and we knew each other since we was kids and we always played together she told me later that she didn’t like me when we was kids because i was annoying and now that i think about i remember that she treated me meanly but i guess all that was erased when we started becoming real friends let’s say, it was the end year of my middle school, and her best friend had moved away after her father died and i remember she told me that she felt lonely at high school she was 2 years older than me and i remember we was the rival type of friends and our personalities was the complete opposite but somehow i discovered that we share a lot of things in common it started with phone calls that friendship, and i use to go to her house every sunday, we use to live far away from each other not that far but still far , but i guess we become best friends when i started going to the same high school as her, my first year of high school was the best year of my life when friendship become the most important in my life, we skipped school a lot, there wasn’t a week that passes that we didn’t sleep over at one of our house, i was so happy even though my life was fucked up but let me mention why that person was that important to me because when my life was so fucked up the period when i tried to commit suicide and i was crying, believe it or not i was 14 but she was the first person that hugged me when i cried, spending time with her made me forget all, i had so much fun and i was starting to become normal no negative thoughts, i stopped hating myself and i was pretty confident, i didn’t care about school, what are my grades or any of that shit and the period she was coming to my house my father stopped drinking for her sake not just that but the house wasn’t lonely anymore there was someone there for me, someone to talk to, because my relationship back then wasn’t only fucked up with my father but my mother too that i hated because she married such a man, so i would go back home and just sleep i remember that time in middle school after i fought with F , my cousin was mean my father was drunk every day and i would spend the night scared, it was indeed a long year that killed me, it was also the year i broke up with my boyfriend because all that period of 2 years that we was dating i was thinking of him as a brother, it’s sad that he stopped talking with me and how mean i was when i broke up with him, and even stopped talking to him..

My cousin was the second best friend i had, i loved her so much i don’t know if she did, but now that i think about it she didn’t, i was ready to hide a murder she did and even kill someone with her, she was the first person and only person i cried when she cried, i was thinking so high of our friendship, till now i still remember the promise we did to each other that we will go study and live together in japan, so i wanted to study the same thing so we won’t be separated and go to different colleges, i have a lot of things to talk about this person the first person i trusted, i told her things i never told anyone things only me knew things i was too sacred other would know, about me and my father, how i tried to kill my self my ex friends, my boyfriend, i acted myself with her even thought i didn’t want anyone to know my true personality and most important i cried in front of her i showed my week side me who want to always seem okay and strong, i was happy when she was happy and sad when she was sad, and when she got the most devastating news in her life and she cried i felt like crying but if i cried she will seem pathetic so i stopped myself..

Her personality was so weird, she was the most moody person i ever seen and being friend with such a person was hard, especially when she is mad she become so mean that’s why i ignore every thing she says when she is angry, our friendship grew even stronger every time we fought, and this is embarrassing but i was jealous when she talked about her other best friend or when she hang out with other girls i wanted her to be only my friend, if i spend a day without seeing her i miss her a lot, but i don’t know why our friendship got weaker or understand the stupid fight we had this summer, she did the most mean thing anyone ever did to me…

My birthday was always the worst day of the year for me, the day i always have the worst fight with my father simply because i exist, but when i started spending that day with her it become so fun that day become special …

But then this summer she refused to come in a really mean way that broke my heart once again that day become the worst day of my life i was so sad and lonely that i wanted to die and in that moment she wasn’t the same person for me, i hated her and i was never going to ever trust her again, and because she was my cousin it was hard to stop seeing her so it made it harder in family reunion and my parents started asking about her like why i don’t call her why doesn’t she come or i go, which made it even worst it was supposed to be the best summer ever we had so many plans but it was turned to the worst summer of my life worst than the summer when my body was all bruised because my father hitted me when he was drunk, we started talking again but she never apologized or thought about it as a big deal like she said and i was half-hearted with her because i didn’t understand if we are best friends again or not and because i couldn’t forget that horrible cruel day, and now we are better but i still don’t know, i wanna talk about it with her and at the same time not …

But what i know is i still care about her and still love her but i no longer trust her …

Now let me talk about the last one i become a friend with i will name her AA, we went to the same middle school and we even was at the same class but we use to hate each other and even fight those stupid middle schooler fights, but i guess we started becoming friends will kinda started in the end of middle school, we become friends on Facebook and we talked a lot and i discovered her unique personality that made me find her interesting i don’t know why we hated each other probably because i was such a girly girl back then i would hate me if i met me so i don’t blame her but our friendship started when she moved to my high school and we decided to meet then i found out that we share a lot of things in common it was like amazing to find such a rare person we wasn’t in the same class but we hang out a lot, i introduced her to M ” my cousin” and she liked her too we had so much fun together now we have been friends for 3 years and i learned a lot of things about her what made her more and more interesting, i don’t know if we have that strong of friendship but i wanna keep her as a friend for life, because i don’ imagine not being friend with her, i don’t remember that we fought, we live in the same town but i never went to her house or she came to mine we always take the same bus and it would really fun if we went to the same college, i really want to live together with her and M it would be fun…

I still didn’t find my definition for friendship am not really as found as friendship as i use to be but am really interested to make new friends a lot of them and get to know new people because i believe that each time we meet someone knew every time w make a friend we learn something new about ourselves, things still foggy for me and i’m still living in a contradiction but i think every one my age are

ps : my friends don’t know about my blog ^^

i lost my will to live

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Was it 2 year ago or much longer, but especially lately i lost the will to live..

I have lost my dream, every thing i believed in is a lie, this cruel word, it’s built on lies, i just wanna die but at the same time i don’t wanna be selfish, if i die now it’s really a good time i have been behaving myself and all so i think i will leave good memories but if i died what about my mom and the heaven like life i promised her, if i die she will continue to live a miserable life with a selfish guy like my father who’s only making her life harder and than her daughter her only daughter dies she will be devastated, my mom she is probably the only person in this world who will keep remembering me…

and how about my dream of doing something that will make me remembered after i die right now i just feel it’s not worth fighting for my dream, those doesn’t seem like words of someone like me who think nothing is impossible but…

I’m really sad and being alone i hate it and not just that it’s silly but i think i’m getting bullied at school i didn’t know i’m the type …

I feel lonely i can say it a million time and it won’t be enough in every single post i’m saying it over and over but it won’t go away this feeling, it’s really horrible not to be able to die, i wanna die but at the same time not to die, not for me, for her i wanna do anything i want her happy my only.. my true friend my mother the only one who care for me who would risk every thing for me to have such a person, god am thankful to have her, that i was given the chance to meet someone like her not just that but to be my mother…

she smells nice, she is warm and her hugs makes it feel better, safe like nothing is wrong in this world, that feeling it’s amazing it’s my reason to live .

Dear Dad

 

I don’t feel like writing but am going to do it anyway today i feel rather sad an unusual sadness, yesterday was my father birthday and i spent that day at my cousin’s birthday  he told my mom that it was his worst day ever, his daughter didn’t even remember her father’s birthday no your don’t even know it and don’t care about the day you was born but more interested in the day you will die, how cruel you must be thinking, but this man made me go through a lot, he made me think of man as rotten creatures, he is selfish and ugly on the inside he is everything i hate in a person, so how am i supposed to think of him as a father…

Will he changed but i don’t know why i still can’t forgive  him for what he did, he loves me i know, a lot but i just don’t, why can’t i do the same, no i do love him too, deep inside i do i sometime wish he dies at the same time if he ever did i will probably cry endlessly..

“My best friend” once told me if i wanna see if i do love someone or not i imagine him dying and that’s depends on the feeling that comes with it but my feeling are mixed it depends, can i ever forgive him, my father did say he is sorry when he was drunk and i did feel sorry for him, today we are throwing him a surprise late birthday party just the three of us but …

But..

I helped with nothing i didn’t buy him a gift i didn’t help mom with making the cake i did nothing and when he come home i don’t know what will i say or do .

You know i treat him badly i talk rudely to him but he somehow ignores it he no longer hit me, even thought he use to do for the smallest reason when i was a kid, it’s like i’m asking for it by behaving this why, i’m so hateful toward him and it’s obvious, my mother say that i should treat him with respect, that the past is the past and things like this happens, maybe it’s time to finally forgive him, i will probably feel better too, a heavy weight will be left of my chest, and then i can move on, and once again smile, for real, not a fake smile, but because i’m happy.

 

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Dear  Dad

i’m sorry for being a bad daughter, i’m sorry because i never hugs you or kiss you, i’m sorry i spend days without even saying hi to you, i’m sorry because i ignore you when i see you, i’m sorry because i wished you death, because i bad mouthed you behind your back because i always say i don’t have a father i’m sorry i don’t laugh at your jokes i’m sorry and sorry and sorry because i didn’t know it was your birthday.

The Day I Die

Some people die smiling it’s rather beautiful to die when you are happy to leave good memories behind, it’s nice…
Most people don’t use those words like beautiful or nice when talking about death, but for some reason i think…
Death is a discovery of what’s gonna to happen later on, to see a certain truth but you know what is my prayer when i’m in danger??

“PLEASE GOD DON’T TAKE MY LIFE NOW AND I STILL DIDN’T PROVE MY WORTH IN THIS LIFE”
I don’t wanna simply die just like that i wanna make history that when i die my name won’t i don’t wanna be someone who had lived, who came to this earth and changed nothing, added nothing didn’t at least try, if it’s impossible to change this world i wanna try as hard as i can even if i am going to be the person who died trying .

Nightmare Hope

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I don’t know you maybe curious about my blog name or am just finding an excuse to talk about it, what am good or maybe the only thing am confidence about is making stories i use since i was a kid to make stories not write it but imagine it in my mind, believe me or not am so good at coming up with stories that i actually make one every day or even more in one day i just lay in my bad, it’s just like watching a movie sometime i can see it in my mind and see people in my movie-mind that i never seen before i don’t know if you understand what i mean anyway i was good at coming up with many but i don’t know if i share it with people if they will like it or not, i still remember my first story when i remember it it’s quite stupid will a 5 years old kid story about stars about a girl who dreamed to fly and touch the stars, that girl would go every day in the roof of her house and try to fly she would stay all night trying to do it but sadly she couldn’t because the sun took their place the mean sun that curly burned her skin, made her tired and thirsty but in her heart she knew that the star will come again, will wait for her till she learn to fly and she kept that hope…

I don’t really remember if she ever did get to the star for the kid me maybe she did or maybe she wouldn’t because i probably tried to fly and couldn’t..

Anyway nightmare hope is a sad story  will most my stories are like that maybe i will publish it if i had the courage to who knows…

Movies

You know movies means a lot to me i even wanted to become a film director when i was a kid but i have abandoned my dream for now, maybe some day i will , i wanted to make one movie, one movie that can change the world ..
movies can teach you a lot of things they give you experiences, every time i watch a good movie let’s say, i feel that i got matured a bit, movies had always amazed me take me away far away sometime to a good place other open my eyes on new things open my mind, amuse me when am bored, and a good company for a loner..
i don’t think there are who hate movies or at least many of them and i don’t think there is who never watched one but if there is, don’t waste any minute and go watch one.