i will leave my dream and walk to another path, till someday i can live it with dignity but now, my people, my brothers, my sister they are stuck in the dark so i wanna light their way i wanna make them stand on thier feet again i wanna wake thier freedom and when i say wake that’s because no one can give freedom it’s born with us we are born free, but thier self-esteem is too low they look down on thier self that they think it’s a given not inside every one of them i see the humiliation in them i see thier humanity fading but at the same time fighting and they are good people i swear they just been blinded by failure, i wanna show them that we can raise again that we deserve a life that others are no better than us, we can change and we can look up and go higher…
i see it in their faces desperation all of them it’s like they gave up hope a long time ago even before they were born, they think they are nothing this is how i was raised in my society that am small that am buried under the dirt even before i die in our streets there is no life, they killed it in our schools when they killed knowledge, we are in a race but instead of going forward we are going backward..
today when i said i was free that we are free at least in our mind even if we are killed even if we are hurt we are free we can be free because we are free they laughed at me and i felt sad because i’ve seen them getting murdered with every word and i felt what a shame, that if the youth, the future of our nation felt like this what future really we have it seemed so dark and i knew that it’s going to be hard for one candle to light that black, i know am not alone, i know there is others even them the blind deep down inside they want to breath even if one breath will take their lives, i will walk this path and i will try my hardest to change the world at least my world, at least our world that we can live the life of the living, that our kids one day won’t dream like we did of the day we actually die that they won’t feel like hell is better than this hell..
here goes that hope thing again even if that thing is impossible i will still have hope, yep even after it’s over, i still have hope, i just hope this thing would be any good for me someday, because know it’s only makes me depressed, is this some kind of mental issue because it’s serious for me, very dangerously serious..
today i talked to this guy..
he frustrated me, but he got a point am all talk while he did something he is on a journey to turn his dream to reality while am here talking about my dreams i will be 19 in days and still i didn’t do anything he asked me “what are your achievements” we are the same age made me rethink things i wasted a lot of time doing nothing surrounded myself with those who don’t wanna go forward, and i myself gave up on those dreams maybe because deep down i fear them, i need to start working hard and become hard on myself because god am so soft and i didn’t even know that am even soft with those around me, i may act all tough but if they look my way they will see how of a nice person i am admitting things is painful, and nice people always get hurt of course am not all nice but let’s say i have that weak spot for people sadness and i don’t wanna hurt other , and i care too much, but even thought all that is hidden i wanna change it because i hate it, i wanna be strong, because this journey is going to be long..
i wanna do my best for my own good so i don’t regret it another day..
Hope, i was given hope with those harsh words…
Sometimes i think to myself is this is really what i want, the life i wanna live, years from now will i truly be happy, or would i regret it and find myself caged..
i have to study hard this year to go to a good college, for a better future to make my parents happy and proud but is that really what i want, would i be happy living the life the society want for me to behave a certain way and think a certain way this society that thought me that it’s the right thing to be fake and to be ashamed of myself, ashamed of my body as a women ashamed of my thoughts ashamed to be born..
no one have ever told me that this life is an endless battle and that i have to fight to survive, fight myself first, fight people around me and everything, so i found myself confused trying to understand what can’t be understood, sometime i find myself watching others silently, their reactions, listening carefully to the words coming out of thier mouths, the emotions drawn on thier expression, they are fighting, they are struggling too but many of them gave up long ago and you can see that clearly on the sadness hidden behind thier smiles when you just watch from behind and not get involved you learn a lot because you are no longer linked in what they are going through, so you can see it just the way it is how much they want to be free but what is it to be free, i think freedom is the true happiness that we are searching for that some of us pay a lot of money to buy, but it’s something that we can’t buy, but something inside of each and every one of us but we are too blind to see it we search somewhere in other people in other places even in things but it was always hidden inside that one place that we are all afraid to go, afraid to face our demon admit the bad things we did, and i also believe that freedom fades away the moment we lose hope the moment we give up on it so we become caged just than we know that it was inside all along and we work as hard as w can to blind those around us, because when it comes to this all of us become selfish, because it’s bitter when you are caged inside your own body when others are out there free, we long for it, but it’s to late in that moment we are dead, we are monsters, because it’s a horrible feeling to be not able to move,breathe see endless darkness, just like if you are nailed deep deep down in the ocean and you can’t breath and thousands of rocks are killing every bit fo hope for you to go up to breath and see the sky, you have no choise but to be eaten alive while you are longing for a breath..
someone once told me there is two types of people who are remembered the most, the best and the worst, the hero and the evil character, the smartest and the dumbest, the faster and the slowest, the stronger and the weaker, and those in the middle are just filling the empty spots, they are just people with no importance, they are just there to be there, their existence have no importance, right now am in the middle but in the future i believe with all my heart that i will be one of those who stand in front of the crowd but i will be different from those beside me i won’t just stand there and shine on my own, i will make the light shines on those in front of me i will get them out of that darkness because i know how hard and painful it is to be a nobody to be someone else’s chair, to see other human just like you whom their lives matter more than yours..
the other day i was in the bus watching outside of the window and for some reason i started feeling sad, like all the sadness of the world held grip of my heart, and for some reason tears started dripping out of my eyes, i was fine i didn’t know why i started crying out of no where, it wasn’t because of me but because i felt sorry for this place that was crying but no one around me seem to hear it they seemed fine, this place wasn’t sad because of its own pain but because himself felt sorry for me living in this world with so short time to do anything about it, am caged here in this body in this place in this world, caged in time, walking a step closer to death each day with every breathe
My name is let’s say sofie, sofie is the name of a girl in a story am writing i just don’t feel like telling my real name for no reason, and the reason i chosed this name is rather random because this character is nothin like me the only thing we share is that both of us have big dreams, i’am starting to write in this blog i don’t really care if no one ever read it but i feel better this way because writing will maybe make me feel less lonely, and because i have nothing better to do. i don’t know if my english is that good because am not a native english am actually arabic, i just enjoy writing in english, it’s my first time to write a blog. Someone once told me that writing make you discover new things about your self so here i am , my name is sofie and i’m 18 years old…
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