I don’t feel like writing but am going to do it anyway today i feel rather sad an unusual sadness, yesterday was my father birthday and i spent that day at my cousin’s birthday he told my mom that it was his worst day ever, his daughter didn’t even remember her father’s birthday no your don’t even know it and don’t care about the day you was born but more interested in the day you will die, how cruel you must be thinking, but this man made me go through a lot, he made me think of man as rotten creatures, he is selfish and ugly on the inside he is everything i hate in a person, so how am i supposed to think of him as a father…
Will he changed but i don’t know why i still can’t forgive him for what he did, he loves me i know, a lot but i just don’t, why can’t i do the same, no i do love him too, deep inside i do i sometime wish he dies at the same time if he ever did i will probably cry endlessly..
“My best friend” once told me if i wanna see if i do love someone or not i imagine him dying and that’s depends on the feeling that comes with it but my feeling are mixed it depends, can i ever forgive him, my father did say he is sorry when he was drunk and i did feel sorry for him, today we are throwing him a surprise late birthday party just the three of us but …
I helped with nothing i didn’t buy him a gift i didn’t help mom with making the cake i did nothing and when he come home i don’t know what will i say or do .
You know i treat him badly i talk rudely to him but he somehow ignores it he no longer hit me, even thought he use to do for the smallest reason when i was a kid, it’s like i’m asking for it by behaving this why, i’m so hateful toward him and it’s obvious, my mother say that i should treat him with respect, that the past is the past and things like this happens, maybe it’s time to finally forgive him, i will probably feel better too, a heavy weight will be left of my chest, and then i can move on, and once again smile, for real, not a fake smile, but because i’m happy.
i’m sorry for being a bad daughter, i’m sorry because i never hugs you or kiss you, i’m sorry i spend days without even saying hi to you, i’m sorry because i ignore you when i see you, i’m sorry because i wished you death, because i bad mouthed you behind your back because i always say i don’t have a father i’m sorry i don’t laugh at your jokes i’m sorry and sorry and sorry because i didn’t know it was your birthday.